


I'm Sorry

by nicolai



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Execution, Guilt, Introspection, Mental Breakdown, POV First Person, Panic, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2019-07-28 11:59:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16241174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicolai/pseuds/nicolai
Summary: Mondo's thoughts over his last day.





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> This is very heavy and reflects Mondo's interpretation of events, not necessarily the reality of them. His survivor's guilt is very relevant at times.

“What have I done?” my voice is usually loud, even at all the wrong times, but it comes out like a whisper. “You can’t be… not dead… that’s not- not what I meant.” But the blood pooling at my feet from your head tells a different story. 

I was mad. I remember being mad. You were stronger than me. You could face your secret. You didn’t think anything could hurt me. But that was a lie. Everything good about me is a fucking lie. And I wish what I’m seeing right now was a lie.

Your perfect, angel face. I guess you’re with the angels now. And soon I’ll be dead too. But wait… they can’t know I did this. If they find out that I killed you here, they’ll know you were here. And they can’t know you were here. I have to keep your secret. 

“Chihiro, I’m sorry. Dude, you trusted me and I fucked up. I fucked everything up again,” I’m mumbling apologies and sinking to my knees beside you. You feel a little heavier this way, but it’s still easy to hold you. 

“I ain’t as smart as you, but I’ll do my best. I promise,” some of your blood gets in my mouth when I kiss your forehead- it tastes really weird. 

I cover you with my jacket and run down to get a handbook that will open the girl’s locker room. I’ll just put you in there with everything that got messy. Switch it up. Then, when I get caught, I’ll just have to explain that I used that in the first place. Oh god, I don’t wanna die. It’ll be fine though. Nobody will find out shit. I’ll keep you safe. 

I’m back with you. You look so nice wrapped in my jacket. I wish I’d gotten to see that more. But there’s no time right now, it’s easy to move you with me. We go into the girl’s locker room and I feel weird; this isn’t somewhere I should be. I don’t belong here. I rest you on a bench, then go back for the rest of the scene. 

My thoughts drift while I set everything up. You’ll be discovered in the morning. The fucking bear will give us time to figure shit out, but it won’t be that long. Before bed at least, we’ll have the trial. So, probably, I have less than a day to live. Less than a day to deal with what I’ve done. I don’t wanna die. Even if it’s right. I’m a fucking coward. But I don’t wanna fucking live with killing another person either. My weakness about Daiya caused this and now I’ve hurt you too. I’m so sorry. 

“I’m so fucking weak,” it’s an admission of guilt and an apology, but it doesn’t help either one of us. You probably wouldn’t want me to die for this, huh? I’ll try not to. Maybe. I don’t know. Can I kill everyone else because I’m weak? How many fucking people need to die for me? But… I still don’t want to die. Goddamnit. Can I face you again? Can I face Daiya? 

The scene is set up now. There’s a little blood on my jacket, but it’s black and it doesn’t show any. It’s time to leave you, but I don’t want to. I’ve got you curled on the floor, the weight I hit you with nearby. Everything’s as right as it can be while you’re dead. 

“I’m sorry, Chihiro,” I kiss your forehead again. You’re getting cold. I wish I could leave you my jacket. “I’m so sorry.” 

I don’t know what else to say. I have to take this handbook back then go to my room and pretend nothing is wrong. But everything is wrong. But I can endure this for a few hours. That’s all I’ll have to do. In a few hours, I’ll know if I’ll live or die, at least. And if I die, that’ll be all I have to do. If I live… Can I really kill so many people? They aren’t as important as you or Daiya, but goddamn. Could I live with myself anyway? Would you hate me? I don’t wanna die, Chihiro. I’m sorry. 

One last kiss and I’m leaving the room. I hate leaving you. But I guess you can’t care anymore. You can’t be lonely, or sad, or scared. I just hope it didn’t hurt too much. I wish I could remember. Or maybe I don’t. I don’t want to see myself hurt you. 

The handbook’s returned and I go to my room. The odds are that I’m dying tomorrow, and I don’t know what to fucking do about that. Do I try to get some sleep? Would that waste what time I have left? Do I pray for forgiveness? Does it matter if I don’t want to be forgiven?

In the end, I lie down and think about Daiya. 

Not the sad parts. Not him dying, not that race, not the other major mistake of my worthless life. Before that. I think about being little and him being the coolest person in the world. He was so strong. He could pick me up so easy until we were the same size. Hell, he did it sometimes after too. He used to take me out on his bike and just let me hold on and watch the countryside while he worried about all the rest. When I got my own, usually I just followed him, but sometimes he still let me ride on his. It felt so great and safe, knowing my big brother was driving. Nothing could ever go wrong. And I loved having my arms around him, my chest pressed against his back, him between me and the whole world we weren’t speeding away from. 

He brought people home a lot. Friends from the gang some, other times lovers. He was more comfortable with chicks than me, I think. Dudes too, really. He knew he didn’t have to prove shit. But we still went to bed together. Him holding me, just like when I was little. Sometimes his lover for the night would just be on his other side- it was a big fuckin’ bed, but sometimes they left. When we still had Chuck, he’d sleep between us or on top of us too. 

“Daiya, I fucked up,” I’m mumbling in the dark, “Wish you were here to get me out of this shit. Hell, I wish you coulda stopped me.” 

When I was a kid, if I broke something, he fixed it, or got a new one, or told me it didn’t matter. But he can’t fix a skull and it matters more than anything else. I retreat farther into memories. 

Daiya bringing me home snacks when I was too young for school. Back when someone I called “Mom” lived with us too. I don’t really remember her though. I only had eyes for him. 

Him teaching me how to fight because he couldn’t always be there with me and he never wanted anyone to be able to push me around. He’s the one who taught me that I deserved to never have to put up with shit from anybody. He only ever hit me to show me how to take a punch and he was damn easy on me then too. He had me hit him for real to learn how it felt. I cried the first time I left a bruise on his fucking perfect face. And he let me. 

Dumb people say shit about how men ain’t supposed to cry, but Daiya taught me better. Men should only cry when it’s safe, ‘cause the world is full of dicks, so you gotta be careful or you gotta be strong enough to shut anybody up who’s gonna hassle you about it. I’m strong enough for that, at least. 

I start seeing it behind my eyelids. Daiya takes me outside late at night and we look at the stars. He holds me on his lap even though I barely fit and he has to lean up to tuck his head against my shoulder. He tells me stories. Things from when I was too young to remember, things from the gang that I was there for but love to hear, and dreams for the future. 

Ding dong bing bong

The morning announcement is waking me up, but I don’t really feel like I’ve been asleep. I’m still wearing my shoes and jacket, so all I need to do before I go to the dining hall is put up my pompadour. Well, it’s still mostly up, but messy. 

I go to the mirror and comb in the ends, shaping it like normal, then spray on a bit of hairspray. My eyeliner is smudged, so I wipe it off and reapply it. Now I look like me, just after a bad night’s sleep. That’s fine. People don’t fucking sleep well here. I just have to act normal until they find you. Then I can be horrified. Just, not guilty. Unless I just wanna confess? That sounds easier. But, I don’t wanna die yet. Even if I will. Not yet. It’s just hours to go. 

I ain’t really a morning person, so nobody’s surprised that I’m sleepy and quiet for breakfast. Probably just glad I ain’t irritable and yelling instead. I keep it together until I see you again. 

“Chihiro?!” this isn’t how I left you. This isn’t how I left you. This is not how I left you. This is not at all how I fucking left you. This isn’t right. This is all wrong. What happened? Who touched you?! I’ll kill them! “Who could do something like this?!” and I mean it. God, do I mean it. How could they touch you? How could they do this to you? But you’re gone and that’s my fucking fault, so it didn’t hurt, it doesn’t matter. But what the fuck happened? Why? Chihiro… 

I’m picked to guard you, of course. Sakura too. It makes sense. And thank god. I get to spend my last day with you. It’s just how I’d want it, except I can’t touch you. I’m so glad Sakura doesn’t talk. Byakuya, Makoto, and Kyoko are in and out. A few others too. But mostly, I can just talk to you. 

I’m a better guard for a corpse than a friend, I guess, but it’s still nice that one of the last things I see will be your face. They haven’t figured it out yet. But I bet they will. The others are so much smart than me. I bet they’ll notice some shit I haven’t even thought of. But maybe not. Especially not with god knows what having happened while I was gone. But if they don’t figure it out? Do I confess? How weak will I be? I wish I was the sort of person who fucking knew they’d never kill so many fucking people. But I killed you… I killed Daiya. Surely it’s my turn. Surely I’ll pay for what I did this time. I’m so scared.

It’s time for the trial now. I don’t know what to think, or how to act. I’m trying to pretend I don’t know anything, and we both know I actually fucking don’t, not about how you were found. It makes no goddamn sense. But it’ll get untangled by the smart people, I guess. They’re talking about Genocider Sho… Who fucking knows about this shit? Byakuya’s too fucking smug, I still wanna punch him. 

Toko’s not Toko now, and Genocider Sho says she didn’t kill you because she didn’t use her scissors and you’re a girl. I know she didn’t, I did, but that reason doesn’t work, does it? Oh god, they’re going to find out. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I tried. I fucking tried. 

Things are happening too fast now. I’m needing to talk too. I’ve gotta make sense. When did I see your tracksuit? Gotta make them believe I didn’t do it. Or do I? I don’t wanna die. God, I don’t wanna die. I don’t wanna die. I’m gonna die. Fuck, the handbooks. Goddamnit. Chihiro, please, please forgive me. I don’t deserve it. But I can’t face you. Please. Forgive me. Daiya, Daiya forgive me. I tried. I tried everything. I’m so sorry. 

“We don’t gotta do that. I did it. I killed him,” I’m sorry I couldn’t keep your secret, man. I guess I’ll see you soon to apologize proper. I’m gonna die here. 

God, Taka. Of course I let you down too. I’m weak. I’ve always been weak. And that fucking bear is explaining everything anyway. At least I don’t have to listen for long. There’s minutes to go now. Minutes to go. What do I do? What do I say? These people, all they’ll remember is my weakness. I killed my brother. I killed you. I let everyone down. And nobody outside of here will even know what happened to me. What a fucking waste of a life. Daiya, brother, I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back. 

Oh, it’s a motorcycle? Well, okay. I’m so scared I can’t breathe, but I don’t have to do anything, at least. It’s just happening to me. I’ll stop thinking soon. Fuck. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. This is loud and intense… At least nobody can hear me screaming. Probably seconds to go.

“Chihiro! Daiya! I’m sorry!”


End file.
